Saturday Special: The Velocipastor [Film]

“After a devastating family tragedy, a priest travels to China to find deeper spirituality, but instead is endowed with an ancient ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first, he is horrified by his newfound superpower, but a local prostitute convinces him to use his newfound gift to fight evil – and ninjas.” – October Coast PR

******

You know what Folks, I am a person who does enjoy a good bit of art & culture from time to time. I have been to Italy a handful of times and drank lush wine, and looked up at the Sistine Chapel in the way that Robin Williams described it in Good Will Hunting. I have enjoyed fine intellectual conversations in the vain of a Mitch Albom novel. I’ve read Kafka, and understood it. But, I’m also the guy who once tried to drink 80 ounces of an energy drink in 2 minutes and only missed it by a mere 18 ounces. Also multiple counts of public urination. What I’m saying is that life, not unlike art, is subjective! Brilliance doesn’t always have to come from the serious side of life and/or art. There are times you just want to see a motherfucking human become a dinosaur and tear shit up. Also ninjas. And prostitutes. And more ninjas.

A wonderful television writer once spoke about this humble little site as being something that “doesn’t wish to sedate you”. And Folks, I’d like to think that is true. And it is also what I believe the absolute brilliance of The Velocipastor is not wishing to do as well. It’s just a damn good time, that’s what it is. It is a fun film that will have you asking the age-old question that has been passed around since the dawn of time: “Who comes up with this shit?”

This is a film that does not lie to you. Right from the very beginning, it makes it’s presence and purpose very clear right from the beginning. And god dammit if it didn’t make me extremely happy. Our dear friend and contributor to this site, Christopher Eaves, has always said that he appreciates a film that doesn’t try to be something that it isn’t. Of course, he says this about the Fast & the Furious franchise which is absolute rubbish, but you can see his point. The Velocipastor is not The Godfather Part IV. Hell it’s not even The Godfather Part III (also complete rubbish.) But it is an entertaining mad house of events collected on film that is meant to be enjoyed. The world is in utter turmoil right now, and the human population may not exist by the end of our kid’s lifetime. So, how about we have some fucking fun, huh?

Do yourself a favor and check out this wonderful film with at least 16 proverbial grains of salt, and try not to take yourself so serious. There is always time to enjoy the world of arthouse cinema and expressionist asphyxiation centered around one’s purpose in this finite existence and blah, blah, blah. Every once in a while, just have some FUN! Enjoy a low budget, purposefully corny, and grindhouse like fun for once. I always think about Sydney Pollack’s line in the film Husbands and Wives, when he was talking about his new girlfriend during his separation with Judy Davis, in which he describes a film his new girlfriend rented that was “dopey” and “stupid”, as well as something that his very serious all the damn time  wife would have never let in the house. And the pure joy on his face in that scene is incredible! Of course the girlfriend was an idiot and he got back with Davis in the end, but you see the point, right? Live a little!

And yes Folks, I just managed to squeeze in a reference to a pretentious Woody Allen picture in a review about a film that is about a man of the cloth (“claw” as the tagline would say, which is brilliant) who is able to turn into a dinosaur when he is angry and is convinced by a prostitute to act like Batman with his new found ability. Also ninjas.

Art, Folks. Art.

The Brendan Steere directed classic-in-the-making will premiere on DVD and Digital August 13th on such platforms as iTunes, Comcast, Spectrum, Dish, Vudu, Amazon, Fandango and Sling. A Blu-ray release will follow September 17.