Randy Mazucca: The Facebook Guy [Guest Wreckers]

We all know The Facebook Guy.  No, not Zuckerberg, but one of minions.  Well, I guess we are all minions in his circus, but I am mean the guy who is, maybe unbeknownst to himself, the biggest supporter of social media.  The guy who makes you always catch yourself saying, “Wow, he is on Facebook ALOT” when his words consistently show up in your news feed at any given time of the day.  Yet, you never stop to question…. “How do I always see his rants and ramblings and comedic jests?”  Maybe it is because you yourself spend more time of Facebook than you care to admit.

That is why I am proud to support “The Facebook Guy”.  The guy that can admit to the world that he is on the social media scene, and he is definitely not ashamed to admit it.  This is a guy that has taken the reign as the court jester of the on line world.  And his posts are not simply an updated on what he was just eating, doing, or thinking about.  Oh no.  That would be far too simple and ridiculous!  This is a man who takes the time to make you laugh, even in the most shallow parts of your days.  And he loves what he does.  For there is no task greater than spreading the joy of laughter and his own expensive (or other’s) via the inter webs.  This is The Facebook Guy.

Luckily for me, I have the best Facebook Guy in the world.  Sure my “Friend’s List” actually includes each cast member of Whitest Kids U Know, a couple of raunchy female stand up comedians, and Patton Oswalt (for whatever that is worth)….but none of them hold a dimly lit light bulb to my dear friend Randy Mazucca.  Is it because quantity is always better than quality?  Some would disagree, but not me.  This is a man who nails it, almost every time.  And if he doesn’t, you can rest assure he will be back with a rebuttal in a very brief moment.  I have known Randy for many years, hailing from the same dirty mill town that is nothing more than a blip of time for most people as they shoot through I-5 from Seattle onto greater days to Portland, 40 miles away.  He is a the heir to the owners of the Grocery Outlet in Longview, an Active Duty Coast Guardsman stationed in the San Francisco area, an active volunteer at the San Francisco Zoo, and is currently engaged to a great girl (who you could imagine makes several cameos in his wall posts).  I am proud to call this guy a friend, and so happy that he invades my newsfeed without faulter every day as the jest of light between somebody’s sob story about how tired they are, inspirational quotes that have no meaning in the social media world, Farmville bullshit, and pictures of their food.  Facebook would be a truly drab places if it weren’t for this guy.

Randy and his fiancee Alicia

Randy and I had a small following (probably about 6 people) circa 2006 or so when Myspace ruled the world and we surrendered to their demands daily.  We were known to be completely harsh movie critics on our blogs.  These were the days when WordPress and Blogger were scary for the amateur, Tumblr didn’t make sense, and people didn’t limit their opinions to 130 characters or less.  I wrote a silly little feature aptly titled, “The Shit and Shit Movies of The Week”, in which I reviewed two of the incredibly to many movies I had watched that week, and picked one as good, and one as bad (get it?).  And Randy was always there to chime in on what he thought of my overtly pretentious picks (probably a Woody Allen film beating out a comic book movie) , and eventually he started doing his own rants and ramblings on films with his own blog.  Anyway, the entire thing eventually dissolved and we migrated west to the Facebook world, and here we are today.

So to honor Randy, I decided it would be nice to feature a few of his rants, ramblings, and baskets of hilarity with you the fine folks at Trainwreck’d Society.  I have selected a batch of about 30 of my favorite posts by Randy, mostly taken in the last month or so, primarily during this year’s Superbowl (you remember, the one with the black out and alien Beyonce?).  So ye fine gentlemen (do women even read this crap?), feast your eyes on the words of what I consider to be one of the finest everyman comedian today!  Enjoy!

“I wonder if they’re going to use the Denzel Washington movie ‘Flight’ as an in-flight movie on airplanes.”

“What made people in the 1930s talk the way they did? Was it the Gin Rickeys that flowed freely out of the drinking fountains?”

“American Movie Classics has a reality series coming out about people in a freak show.  No further joke necessary.”

“The only reason I need cutlery (I prefer the Urban Kitchen one) is to transport everything I eat into to my tortillas and into my mouth.
(I LOVE TORTILLAS!!!!)”

“Has anyone made a slow accoustic version of “I Wanna Bang On the Drum All Day” yet?”

“I want Robert Palmer to play our wedding. Havent seen him do much in awhile, someone needs to go dig him up for me. Lol, I am kidding. He’s dead now. So I guess you could say he’s my favorite underground artist right now. Lol, jokez”

“Puppy Bowl but for hockey.”

“I am the first send out a venomous e-mail to someone for the terrible customer service for our wedding.
Who’s the Bridezilla now?!”

“Watching a documentary on Instant Netflix about a young lady who died but wasn’t found in her apartment for three years.  This is why I post constantly people! If you dont hear from me for more than an hour, CALL FOR HELP!!! Knock down my door!!!! I am not okay!!!”

There’s this big bag of garbage that I seen rotting away by the Bay Bridge toll plaza every single day that I go to work and now I’m never going to be able to stop thinking about that lady’s corpse locked in her apartment for three years.

“For my next Andy Rooney-esque gripe I’m going to complain about people posting that Sean Bean pic from LOTR and people telling me what one does not simply do.”

(during Superbowl) “Maybe that’s why the zoo wasn’t showing Basil and Merlin’s choices for the Super Bowl on their Facebook feed. They kept choosing the Ravens. Those two are so smart.”

(during Superbowl) “Now you will all fall victim to BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA’S ENSLAVEMENT PLAN. THE ENTIRE STADIUM WAS A GAS CHAMBER ALL ALONG.”

(during Superbowl) “Rob Thomas is playing during the pregame. I look for ANY moment to bring up the time that I literally bumped into him at a crosswalk in Las Vegas. Weirdest moment of my whole life.”

(Randy doesn’t really like Football that much) “ROLL TIDE, ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RISE UP!!!!!!!!!!!! TEBOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I’ll bet all my bird-loving friends will be excited about the Superb Owl today.”

“Dang! Today it’s Nathan Lane’s birthday AND the SuperBowl. I’d like to get an invite to that party!!!!”

“If I tell my dad I’m excited for the big game today, maybe he’ll love me even though I mean Puppy Bowl.”

“I cant stand listening to parents have conversations with their little kids like they’re adults.  I should probably never ever be a dad.”

“Remember when everyone thought Green Day were had-beens but then they released Time of Your Life and they came back and became the biggest band around?  That’s what Im going to build my time machine to stop.”

“Nuh uh, Mr James Hetfield. I dont need your hand. I can get to Never Never Land with pixie dust and some happy thoughts, then straight on til morning!”

“Is that irritation I get from people who use hashtags on Facebook the same thing that ham radio operators get when someone on the street says “Roger!”

“The menu said Country Style Potatoes so I made them in the style of another shitty song about what it’s like growing up in a small town in Idaho.”

“Some of the people at work are complaining because the butter is too hard to spread on their pancakes so they want us to offer them melted butter and I totally understand their frustration because my great grandparents swept the flour off of railroad cars to make their bread during the Great Depression.”

“At first I was super annoyed to see that one of the guys has nautical sparrow tattoos but then I decided to give him a pass from sailors everywhere for giving the world that awesome Taylor Swift break up picture on a boat.”

“Tangled>Wreck It Ralph > Brave.”

“For someone that’s in the Coast Guard, I sure dont care that much about border security on the news.”

Randy and his nemesis, Captain Sparkles

“They are all out of orange essence infused prunes. I am going to tear this place apart. — at Target.”

“I am very honored to be getting a Coast Guard Community Volunteer medal for picking up poop at the zoo.”

“I’m reading the biography of Loretta Lynn and she talked about how her dad had to work long hours all the time, deep in a dark coal mine where he couldnt even stand up. He’d come home and his whole body would be bleeding from crawling through jagged crevices and he’d be hacking up thick black slime. It made me think about all the complaining that I do about my own job at the galley and what sort of things make me mad there so now I’ve decided to be a coal miner.”